Midnight Critters

Last night I was awakened from my deep beauty sleep (which consists of one of my arms and legs hanging off the side of the bed {I am a dream bed partner because I am NOT a bed hog, I literally hang off the side of the bed all night long no matter how big the bed is, & how cold it is}, face smashed in my pillow and snoring like a bulldog with a sinus infection. Hey I have a deviated septum okay!) to T asking me where all the flashlights were.

Me- "Uh flashlights? It's the middle of the night! There is one behind my mirror."

T- "Behind your mirror? (As he is looking in my medicine cabinet. To be fair, it is a mirror so I guess that is    technically looking behind a mirror.)

Me- "Not that mirror, my big mirror (getting kinda grouchy now).

T- "Why do you keep a giant spot light for boating behind your mirror"?

Me- "You never know"!

T- "Can you come outside with me, there is a critter out by the trashcans".

Me- "Are you effing serious right now? Does it have a key to the house? Is he threatening our children's lives"? Oh wait, that's what I wanted to say. But I really said, "what kind of critter"?

T- "I don't know, grab a broom".

Okay, now I guess this is where growing up in the country differs from not growing up in the country. If I woke up every time I "heard" a critter outside my window, I would never have slept. I had a family of raccoons live in the avocado tree outside my bedroom window, we had a family of possums' living in our attic until we found where they were getting in (BTW they sounded like horses running around up there above my bedroom), we had coyotes cruise around the house looking for tasty cats all the time, wild peacocks strutting in our garage (our neighbor actually got attacked by one and it ripped the whole side of his leg open), snakes living under the outside steps, families of owls that dropped left over carcasses on our driveway when they were done eating whatever rodent they had found for dinner, okay I think you get the picture.... Anyway, this is why I grabbed the broom, started moving the trashcans and started talking to whatever creature was trying to make a home back there. "Hey little guy, can you come out so I can go back to sleep"?

T- "What if it's a bat"?

Me- "It's not a bat! But that would be awesome! (I love bats!) It's probably a rat or a mouse"

T- "What's a slouse?"

Me- "A MOUSE"

T- "What if it has rabies"?

Me- "It doesn't have rabies"!

T- "How do you know"?

Me- "I haven't heard anyone post or talk about any rabid rodents around the area".

That's when Tony spotted the "critter". It was a big ol' rat. Trying to make a home out of Hunter's shedded hair and some dried grass that missed the trashcan. Poor guy, we interrupted him. I kind of felt bad. Now this is why I love Tony (well not the only reason obviously) but I think most guys would smash the rat or kill the rat. Tony moves all the stuff so he has a way to get out and so that he can't hide anymore and says...

T- "Let's let him leave on his own, he can't hide anymore. I feel like that's the nicest thing to do and we'll check in the morning".

Anyway, I walked back in to the house, put my ginormous spot light back behind my mirror and crawled back on to the edge of my bed and fell back to sleep before T even made it back inside.

Since T get's up super early for work, he let me know that sure enough, Mr. Rat had packed his bags and was gone this morning. Probably headed over to Kami's house ;) It's okay Kami, he brought his teddy bear.

Hell On Wheels

Have you heard of Hell On Wheels? On AMC? So I had never heard of this show until Friday morning. I am not sure if I am just out of the loop (which is very possible). I would much rather read if I have spare time than watch tv. Unless it's something like Scream Queens or my very favorite show Longmire. Ohhhh and of course if the Packers are playing (which I missed yesterday!!! Of all games, I missed the Packers and Chargers play each other. I had committed to seeing my cousin's daughter's play in San Diego. Which btw was great! So afterwards at our early dinner my mom and I strategically placed ourselves so we could see the game playing in the bar). Woohooo Packers are 6-0!!!!! Anyway, I am way off topic again! Sorry!

So back to Hell on Wheels! It's a show on AMC and I believe they are in the middle of Season 5. I just started Season 1 on Netflix Friday morning because after I worked in K's class, I had nothing to do. Of course I did some laundry, vacuumed, and a few other things around the house so I didn't feel like a total loser but then I put my jammies back on and plopped my buns right back on the couch and binged watched the $hit out of Hell on Wheels. I had finished Season 1 by Friday night and my neck was permanently in spasm from being a complete potato. I have to say though, it was worth it! Oh BTW the kids were with their dad so don't worry that I forgot to pick them up from school or missed football... They went to the Luke Bryan concert (lucky kiddos have seen him like 5 times and I keep bribing R to slip ol' Lukey Poo my number but she just giggles and says, "oh mom!")

Okay this is the summary from the actual Hell On Wheels website so you know a little bit of what it's about.

Hell on Wheels looks at the institutionalized greed and corruption behind the building of the Transcontinental Railroad as the race between the Central Pacific and Union Pacific intensifies. In Season 5, Cullen Bohannon (Anson Mount) finds himself a stranger in a strange land: Truckee, California. Home to the headquarters of the Central Pacific railroad, this rough mountain railroad town teems with thousands of Chinese workers who are foreign in language, culture and traditions. While grappling with the challenges of corralling his new workforce, Cullen leads the Central Pacific’s herculean effort to tunnel through the Sierra Nevada mountains, sometimes achieving only inches a day in the race to complete America’s first Transcontinental Railroad. 

Obviously I am hooked and love the show or I wouldn't be writing about it. It is now Monday morning and I am on Season 2 episode 5. So that means that Saturday I watched another 5 episodes with a spasming neck and an ever-widening a$$.

I highly recommend it if you are looking for a show! I am not sure I would recommend this oh so popular "binge watching" method as it seems quite destructive!!!! Or maybe just limit yourself to 2 shows a day. Because now I feel like a complete loaf, like I need a chiropractor appt and like I need to make up for the two days that I lost.

Anyway, every time I write "Hell On Wheels" I think about the Pistol Annies song "Hell on Hells" so I'll leave you with the song/video for your enjoyment!

K-Out!

The Devil's Dust

Can we just take a moment to talk about how much I love glitter?????

I mean, what is not to love about glitter???

It's so shiny, and pretty and glittery- because it's GLITTER!!!!!!

Now, can we take a moment to talk about how T hate's glitter just as much as I love it?

This is true! He calls it the Devil's dust. He hates it because it's shiny, pretty, glittery and get's everywhere. Apparently he does not like to take a shower and find shiny glitter in his.... belly button.

I seriously get excited when I find it anywhere.

(I would totally wear these if I wouldn't fall down on my face... and if they were black, and I had somewhere to wear them)


This one time (not at band camp, I was never in band) my friend Five and I spray painted a spider web gold and then threw glitter all over it and made it even more beautiful than it already was... That was after I carefully took a broom and moved Mr. Ginormous Spider (while screaming like a girl, keep in mind, this is the only thing that makes me scream like a little wussy girl) and re-homed him in a plant near by. I couldn't kill him because then of course karma would make sure that I was mauled by 1001 big hairy fanged spiders and nobody wants that! I don't care if they ARE covered in glitter.

But anyway, I don't know why I was thinking about glitter this morning, but I was and just wanted to share my love for it.

I heard Ke$ha likes to cover herself in baby oil and glitter before each of her concerts. Sort of weird. Only because baby oil is super gross!!!!

Off to glitter something... Maybe T's pillow!!! hehehehehe.

Saddest Halloween Story Ever!

Ok, it's totally not really sad if you are prepping yourself for something actually tragic. So I have always loved Halloween! I think it's because it was right after my birthday and maybe because I liked to dress up (some say I am dramatic, I don't know where they get that). But anyway... the sad truth is that I have probably only trick or treated a handful of times in my 21 years of life (hahaha did you catch that? 21!!!) Okay this year I will be 36. Holy cow, I know that isn't really old and age is just a number blah blah blah but I really feel like I was a teenager just yesterday. Maybe it's because I still act like a 12 year old? Probably!!!!

Okay back to my story! Sorry I get side tracked a lot. Like a lot a lot! So by now, if you are even still with me, you are probably wondering why if I love Halloween have I only trick or treated a handful of times in my 36 years of life... Well let me explain.

 I was born in Santa Monica, CA and lived there til I was about 6. I always had these slumber parties for my bday with a group of girls from school and we'd stay up super late (which is so weird to think about because I'd probably only just now start to allow that for R and she's 9), and eat (not lots of sugar because my parents didn't introduce me to sugar until I was seriously like 10 years old) who knows what we ate, and watched Care Bears, and My Little Ponies in our matching sleeping bags. I had a Strawberry Shortcake one (that was about as girly as I got. I had a A-Team lunch box though and it was awesome). The point is that I was usually so worn out from these slumber parties that I would get sick and by Halloween have a fever or a full blown cold and my mom being Mrs. Cleaver, she would make sure that I stayed at home and ate homemade chicken soup, and got plenty of rest. I do have very clear memories of putting on my costumes (that my mom bought patterns for and spent days sewing for me (see told you Mrs. Cleaver! I was much more like my dad!!!)) and standing outside of my very own front door and ringing the doorbell for my parents to give me some sugarless candy for my also homemade goody bag with my name embroidered on it. This went on pretty much all my years in Santa Monica.

Then we moved to the country. Fallbrook CA. Complete opposite of Santa Monica. When we first drove in to "town" there was/and still is a tractor that says, "Fallbrook, Welcome to the Friendly Village". But, if I wasn't sick all my years of living in Fallbrook, we didn't have neighbor's to go visit or trick or treat. I mean we had neighbors but it wasn't really safe to walk down dark country roads to ring one or two doorbells. So for the few years we did manage to trick or treat, our parents would drive us to the one neighborhood by the high school where are the other kids go dumped off. I think I can honestly remember maybe 3 or 4 Halloweens where I was able to trick or treat as a kid. Sad right?!?!?!?

 It's okay, don't feel too bad because now that I have kids, we totally trick or treat. R's first Halloween, she was 3 months old and she had 6 costume changes!!!! I was going to make up for lost time!!! Anyway, that is my sad sad story!!! Picture little Kellee dressed as a ridiculous clown in a costume that her mother made her (that actually kind of freaks me out now and is still in mom's cedar chest (the very cedar chest I cracked my head open on and her mom used masking tape to hold together.. I'll save that story for another day!!!) holding my pumpkin candy basket that my mom also made me standing outside her own front door waiting for her parents to open the door and hand her sugarless gum and candy.

Hahaha I found a pic of that clown costume... See creepy right??? Wah!

Worst Things About Fall = Funniest Sh*t Ever!!!

Ep. 23: The Worst Things Abot Fall

This week on the SEASON 1 FINALE of Whine About It... THE WORST THINGS ABOUT FALL.We'll be back with Season 2 of Whine About It on Oct. 28, but make sure you stay tuned for some special videos in the meantime!

Posted by Matt Bellassai on Wednesday, October 7, 2015

So Apparently I am A SASSHOLE

Yep that is right folks, I am a Sasshole.

My friend, (maybe she doesn't want me to say her name on my blog, she may get famous and then the paparazzi will show up at her house and she won't be able to go to Staters any more without being mobbed by crazed fans...) we'll just call her Schmeth... posted an article on FB called, "41 Signs You're A Sasshole".

I knew automatically that I in fact was a Sasshole!!!! I didn't even need to open the article. I am sassy, I have been told my hole life that I am sassy!!!! Pretty much daily I get called an asshole by someone I live with and I am not going to name names (not K or R). I like to think that he says it in a loving way. In fact, I am 99.9% positive that he finds me asshole-ness endearing.

Anyway, the definition of a Sasshole if you hadn't put it together yet is.... someone who is incredibly sassy, but also a little bit of an asshole.

Here I'll make it easy for all of you to find out if you are a Sasshole. I'll post all 41 signs indicating that you are one and you can check em' off as you go down the list. Please let me know how many you check off, I am interested in how many of my friends are truly jerks like I am.

1. People who don’t know you think you’re a bitch. Generally
2. People who do know you also think you’re a bitch, but a hilarious bitch. Sometimes
3. For you, flirting consists of a series of witty insults (sometimes veiled as compliments). Definitely
4. Absolutely everything that comes out of your mouth is dripping with sarcasm. Always
5. You’re always the one who says the one thing everyone else is thinking but would never say out loud. A lot of the time
6. And yet they still look surprised when you say it out loud. Pretty much
7. You don’t discriminate; you judge everyone. 100% true
8. You’re the kind of girl who hates cuddling and never stays the night. I have grown to like cuddling over the years. Think it was having kids that did it to me. But I can only take so much before I am outta there!
9. Guys love you cause you can keep up with them. Guys usually want to be my friend because I am more like a guy. This causes me problems in life. 
10. Girls hate you because you literally don’t care if you make a fool of yourself and anyone around you. I have been making a fool of myself since 1979
11. Drunk or sober, you’re the life of the party. I wouldn't call myself the life of the party. But I am not a wallflower by any means. 
12. You haven’t had a ton of boyfriends, because you haven’t found someone who can appreciate your crude sense of humor and who gives it right back to you. True and I was married/with the same person for like 16 years
13. You’re known as the “funny” girl, which to you is a million times better than being just another “pretty” girl. I guess? I'd kinda like to be the pretty girl though. 
14. You’re a pro at saying the most hilarious thing at the most inappropriate time. I think they are hilarious... I don't think everyone else does!
15. You think most people are stupid. TRUE
16. And you’ll tell most people they’re stupid. Not always to their face! 
17. When guys actually try and flirt with you, you take it as an opportunity to troll the shit out of them. Uh, I think they are scared to flirt with me. 
18. You’re the one friend who always steals another friend’s phone and texts “So what’s it like living with a micropenis?” to any guy in her recent messages. No, I am afraid of what I'll see on peoples phones. This is the age of sexting ya know! 
19. You accept any and all dares. eh, not really but if someone is going to do something I do feel like I have to do it because I am highly competitive. Think Monica on Friends. 
20. Your confidence cup is constantly overflowing. Yes, I am pretty confident. 
21. Your friends, exes, and even parents are convinced you don’t have feelings. Now this is soooooo true. Except my mom knows my deep dark secret. 
22. You do, though. They’re just hidden under mountains and mountains of attitude. Again, so true!
23. You leave the worst best comments on your friends’ sappy Instagram posts. no, not really
24. You don’t understand what a “filter” is or why everyone insists that you need one. a lot of the time
25. You say “bye” to people’s faces. I don't even know what this means. Why wouldn't you say bye to their face? 
26. And you don’t see the problem with literally dismissing people from your presence. I can easily dismiss people from my life and not look back, I learned that from my dad. 
27. “Sorry not sorry” should be a permanent sign on your forehead. hahah yes
28. Your entire life should come with a NSFW warning. nah
29. You’ve been told multiple times that you deserve to have your own TV show. yes actually
30. You aren’t afraid to put anyone on blast. if they deserve it!
31. Not only are you not afraid, you actually enjoy it. again, if they deserve it!
32. You call everyone a bitch. Or an ass. Or both. I have my own words! and you can't have them!
33. Sometimes you wonder how you still have friends. all the time!
34. Then you remember that they’re the only ones who understand your humor. yes
35. When people say you’re being rude, you just say you’re being honest. I can kind of keep a handle on this
36. You don’t sugarcoat anything. I am not going to lie. 
37. You have your read receipts on so people know when you’re ignoring them. Nope
38. You’ve been known to throw up a middle finger in pictures. that's so like 10 years ago. I am classy now. I just continue to make dumb faces!  
39. You never “throw shade,” you just say it to their face. The term "throwing shade" is stupid so I am not going to even respond.  
40. There’s a fine line between being sassy and being an asshole, and you cross it daily. All day errrrday!
41. When your friend sends this list to you, you take it as a compliment. Hahaha depends on who sends it to me. 

Fall... Check!

Some people are list people...

Sometimes I feel like I am. I am in the fact that I like to make lists... then I lose them and that is that.

T is definitely a list person. He will take the time to write his list and make sure he checks off everything on his list. I should probably pay more attention to him and the way he does things. Haaaaahahaha yeah right, he wishes!!!! I am who I am and no matter how much I try to change it, that's who I am... A crazy, multi-tasking, over-committing flustered fool!!!!

Anyway, I made a check list for Fall!!!! I think because it's giant and on cute monster paper I won't throw it in my purse (aka black hole) for it to be lost forever. So there is hope that we will be able to check off everything on our list! Yeah, I guess we'll see how that goes.

We already have plans for #6 that I am excited about and #7 is looking pretty good right now. I am thinking the rest of the list is pretty attainable. I'll keep you updated! Do any of you have a list of things you want to do this Fall? I should have added, "wear a sweatshirt at some point", since it's 100 degrees. I really hope we get some cool weather sometime soon!!!!

Back to my coffee.

Keep Your Sick Kid Home!!!!!

Oh good news... I don't have MRSA of the nostril aaaaaand the antibiotics are working very well! Phew! Also I think I will try waxing my nose hairs next time. If you really care about my nose hair removal method.

On to my rant...


Okay, if my child barfed in class, I sure would NOT send him to school the next day! Okay, let me back up and break this down. There was that one time that "K" barfed in the truck when he was like 3 years old because he was trying to eat a candy cane with the wrapper on and the plastic made him puke... (which is funny because he was also the kid that ate his cupcake at his 2nd birthday with the foil wrapper still on. I should probably have watched him eat things more carefully, but come on, he was 2 and 3 at the time.). If it was a case like that, of course I would send him to school the next day!!!! Buuuuut, if a few kids and the teacher are out due to the flu (hehe that totally rhymed and made me laugh while reading this in my head), then when your kid barfs, I bet he's not eating a plastic covered candy cane, he probably has the flu! SO KEEEEEEP HIM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!  Please go back and read that part in a growly satan beast voice (I feel it adds to the effectiveness)!

I understand that parents work. I understand that it's probably really hard for some parents to call in and explain that their child is sick and they have to stay home with them but unless this is a case where you are seriously on the verge of getting canned (if this is a case like that then I really feel bad and I am sorry for judging you), please keep your barfy, germy child home! If you are just sending him to school so you can watch Days of Our Lives in peace and quiet, then you have a whole new set of problems and I hope you get barf on your couch! Here is why you need to keep your child home...

#1. The rest of the class does not want to get sick!!!! It's already hard enough to keep germs away when I am sure kids don't really wash their hands at school, and they touch everything! In fact, I watched a little girl sneeze a rat sized snot ball this morning while she was standing in line to go to class and then proceed to panic and wipe it on her shirt (yes, I saw you even though you didn't think anyone was watching). Again, I am assuming... but I am pretty confident that she didn't run to the sink right after that and wash her hands with soap and water. And if she did, again... I apologize.

#2. If your kid is barfy... they probably feel like crap and the last place they want to be is school. They probably want to be sleeping all snuggled up with their cat on their pillow smashing their face, their dog tucked in to their back and their blankie all bunched up under their cheek. Oh wait, that's me! But really... if your kid doesn't feel good, they really aren't going to learn anything at school. So you are not helping them at all. Just keep them home and email the teacher for their assignment.

I'll let it slide this time sick kid's mom. But let this be known, if it happens again.... or if my kid comes home puking for any reason other than eating cupcake or candy cane wrappers again (I really hope he's learned his lesson), then I may dress up like an old crazy village person (not the "Village People") with a torch and pitchfork and show up on your lawn.

-Kellee Out

I realize I will probably be asked to leave the school PTA and to step down as room mom after this rant.

Nose Hairs & Urgent Care

Alright... how many times have I started, stopped, started, stopped and started only to quit blogging? I don't even know the answer anymore...

I think my problem last time was that I was so inspired by other bloggers that I tried to be like them and lost what I liked about blogging.

I like to tell my stories as if I was sitting with you and talking to you about my weird and ridiculous life. I think as long as I stick with that, I should be good. Right? Who knows but let's try this again.

Anyway, I felt like my trip to Urgent Care today was just too bizare not to share with people... I seriously talk to myself in my car and say, "is this really happening?" and I say it often!!!! So I will share with you how a simple thing like trimming your nose hairs can end up a really painful learning experience.

Soooo, last week I was looking in the mirror (probably picking my face because let's be honest, that's what I do) and I noticed that it was time to give the ol' nose hairs a trim. So since Tony doesn't like to share his nose hair trimmers (something about being gross blah blah blah)  I decided to use these scissors I found in the bathroom drawer (sounds totally sanitary right?). Well as I was getting the the inner corner up toward the front, I snipped my nose.  I then yelled "OUCH" and jumped up and down. After that I totally forgot about it...

Now fast forward about a week and I have a big ol' scab in my nose and I am in the bathroom again looking in the mirror and what do I do? Of course, I pick the scab (now I will understand if you avoid me a school because you are totally grossed out by me now, I can't help it, I AM GROSS!) Now this time I almost pass out from the pain and a giant tear rolls down my face! No joke!!!! A few days goes by and my nose is super tender. Well today I woke up and I couldn't even move my face, make expressions or anything without being in excruciating pain so I decide to go to Urgent Care.

Try explaining to Urgent Care why you are there... go ahead... and those of you who know me, know that I am NOT shy. "Um, this is kind of weird but I was trimming my nose hairs with scissors last week and..." and the doctor says, "OMG did you poke yourself?" and I say, "NOOOO, I CUT MYSELF!!!!!" and she laughs hysterically at me and says, "that sounds like something I would do!!!!"

Anyway, after she examines the inside of my nose and says, "oh wow that's pretty infected", she prescribes me two different antibiotics and says to come back in two days if it isn't significantly better because she will need to change my meds.

Good lord, really? Who does this stuff happen to? Yep, me!