A glimpse into my shriveled black heart

To the last few followers I have if I have any left... Sorry I am the worst blogger ever. Actually I can't even call myself a blogger. I am more of a journaler (Is that a word?).

About a week ago my brother sent me an email and in the subject it said, "In Case You Need a Good Cry".  I should have known at that moment that I was going to be in for a rough few minutes. Number 1, because he never sends me emails, and number 2, the subject basically told me I was going to cry.

I opened the email and saw that it was a .wav file and knew instantly that it had to have been a recorded message from my dad. Yet I couldn't push play fast enough. See, I miss hearing my dad's voice so much!!! He always had such a strong, deep and loud voice and I have realized that since he's been gone, that I really miss hearing it soo much. Sometimes I google news videos of him online just to hear him talk (I know it's strange).

What I wasn't prepared for, was that it wasn't that strong voice that I loved to hear. It was him talking to my brother Tom right before he passed away. It wasn't that deep, strong, commanding voice. It was a tired, winded, and sick voice. At that moment I would have done anything for him to be yelling at me, to be lecturing me... anything other than sounding sick and the way that he did.

I listened to my dad tell my brother how proud he was of him, and that everything was going to be okay, and that he wasn't going to be in any pain and not to worry about him anymore.

And through my sadness, sobbing, sniffling, and my tears... I am ashamed that I thought of myself. I thought about how my dad always told me how proud he was of his students, and their children, he was so proud of my brothers and their accomplishments because they all have done well for themselves. But I cannot ever remember my dad telling me that he was proud of me.


My whole life, all I wanted was to be just like my dad. (Those were pretty big shoes to fill. I was kind of screwed from the start) I pretty much thought that the world revolved around him. As much as he made me mad and I rebelled, I still was always the first one outside to help him with anything he may need. I am sure he thought it was obnoxious but I would do anything to be near him and to just have him show me how to do things. I am extremely thankful for that because he really did teach me to be independent and to not have to depend on anyone to do anything for me. I can change and rotate my own tires, I can change my oil, I vaccinate all my own animals, I'm not afraid to pull dead squirrels out of traps with my bare hands, I can shoot a gun, I can rope a dummy calf (not well), I can drive and back a trailer like a champ, etc...

I honestly think I would have followed in his footsteps of law enforcement if he hadn't told me since I was little that he would break both of my legs if I did. But I had always loved my criminal justice classes, and was always fascinated by all of the stories he told. I couldn't get enough.

Instead I fell in to a really good job at 18, stopped going to community college and stayed at that company until after I was married and left to have kids. My dad was always disappointed that I didn't get an education.

Now, I know that my dad was proud of my kids and proud that I was a mother but I mean, I didn't really do anything... It wasn't like I went to years of school and some long grueling academy to test for a job and get the last spot out of 500 applicants.  I had two children and that was my life. I was happy. That was what I was meant to do. I know that my parent's wish that I had an education to fall back on (and now I know why... I didn't intend on divorcing and having to find a job or needing an education to fall back on).

Even though I cannot remember my dad ever saying that he was proud of me, he told me he loved me all the time and he did tell me quite a few times that he knew that he would never have to worry about me. He knew that I would always do the right thing, stand up for that right thing, and that I would always be there to take care of my family or anyone who needed it. I am going to take this as a version of him being proud of me and move on. Time to stop letting it eat at me.

I am not even sure why I am writing about this... but listening to his message to Tom just really brought up some old sad selfish feelings that I guess I have. Not being enough.

Which is very funny because I have never cared what people think of me (besides my family obviously) a trait that I inherited from my dad. A trait that I have always really been proud of. I can have a friend of 20 years and if they wrong me, I will walk away and never look back. Some may think that is dumb and stubborn, but it's the way I am and it's suited me well. I've always been a no- nonsense, don't take any shit kind of person.

Well after my dad passed away and I got a divorce, I started to soften. Started to think that I needed to be a softer kind of person. A lot of it was for my benefit... I had become an angry uptight person the few years prior to my divorce, so becoming a happier light hearted person was definitely a good thing.

Now this past year I noticed that I had started to change again. This time, not for the best. I started to become someone else. I started to let things eat at me, bother me and make me act in ways that I wouldn't normally. I was no longer being the bigger person and taking the high road. Tony had always said that he loved that I was such a confident person and I had started to lose that. 2015 had not bring out the best in me.

I guess the purpose of this whole giant story is that I am glad 2015 is over because I am starting over fresh. I am going to try to remind myself to be the person I try to teach my kids to be. Time to put my big girl panties back on and time to bring back the real me. One that my dad would be proud of.

Midnight Critters

Last night I was awakened from my deep beauty sleep (which consists of one of my arms and legs hanging off the side of the bed {I am a dream bed partner because I am NOT a bed hog, I literally hang off the side of the bed all night long no matter how big the bed is, & how cold it is}, face smashed in my pillow and snoring like a bulldog with a sinus infection. Hey I have a deviated septum okay!) to T asking me where all the flashlights were.

Me- "Uh flashlights? It's the middle of the night! There is one behind my mirror."

T- "Behind your mirror? (As he is looking in my medicine cabinet. To be fair, it is a mirror so I guess that is    technically looking behind a mirror.)

Me- "Not that mirror, my big mirror (getting kinda grouchy now).

T- "Why do you keep a giant spot light for boating behind your mirror"?

Me- "You never know"!

T- "Can you come outside with me, there is a critter out by the trashcans".

Me- "Are you effing serious right now? Does it have a key to the house? Is he threatening our children's lives"? Oh wait, that's what I wanted to say. But I really said, "what kind of critter"?

T- "I don't know, grab a broom".

Okay, now I guess this is where growing up in the country differs from not growing up in the country. If I woke up every time I "heard" a critter outside my window, I would never have slept. I had a family of raccoons live in the avocado tree outside my bedroom window, we had a family of possums' living in our attic until we found where they were getting in (BTW they sounded like horses running around up there above my bedroom), we had coyotes cruise around the house looking for tasty cats all the time, wild peacocks strutting in our garage (our neighbor actually got attacked by one and it ripped the whole side of his leg open), snakes living under the outside steps, families of owls that dropped left over carcasses on our driveway when they were done eating whatever rodent they had found for dinner, okay I think you get the picture.... Anyway, this is why I grabbed the broom, started moving the trashcans and started talking to whatever creature was trying to make a home back there. "Hey little guy, can you come out so I can go back to sleep"?

T- "What if it's a bat"?

Me- "It's not a bat! But that would be awesome! (I love bats!) It's probably a rat or a mouse"

T- "What's a slouse?"

Me- "A MOUSE"

T- "What if it has rabies"?

Me- "It doesn't have rabies"!

T- "How do you know"?

Me- "I haven't heard anyone post or talk about any rabid rodents around the area".

That's when Tony spotted the "critter". It was a big ol' rat. Trying to make a home out of Hunter's shedded hair and some dried grass that missed the trashcan. Poor guy, we interrupted him. I kind of felt bad. Now this is why I love Tony (well not the only reason obviously) but I think most guys would smash the rat or kill the rat. Tony moves all the stuff so he has a way to get out and so that he can't hide anymore and says...

T- "Let's let him leave on his own, he can't hide anymore. I feel like that's the nicest thing to do and we'll check in the morning".

Anyway, I walked back in to the house, put my ginormous spot light back behind my mirror and crawled back on to the edge of my bed and fell back to sleep before T even made it back inside.

Since T get's up super early for work, he let me know that sure enough, Mr. Rat had packed his bags and was gone this morning. Probably headed over to Kami's house ;) It's okay Kami, he brought his teddy bear.

Hell On Wheels

Have you heard of Hell On Wheels? On AMC? So I had never heard of this show until Friday morning. I am not sure if I am just out of the loop (which is very possible). I would much rather read if I have spare time than watch tv. Unless it's something like Scream Queens or my very favorite show Longmire. Ohhhh and of course if the Packers are playing (which I missed yesterday!!! Of all games, I missed the Packers and Chargers play each other. I had committed to seeing my cousin's daughter's play in San Diego. Which btw was great! So afterwards at our early dinner my mom and I strategically placed ourselves so we could see the game playing in the bar). Woohooo Packers are 6-0!!!!! Anyway, I am way off topic again! Sorry!

So back to Hell on Wheels! It's a show on AMC and I believe they are in the middle of Season 5. I just started Season 1 on Netflix Friday morning because after I worked in K's class, I had nothing to do. Of course I did some laundry, vacuumed, and a few other things around the house so I didn't feel like a total loser but then I put my jammies back on and plopped my buns right back on the couch and binged watched the $hit out of Hell on Wheels. I had finished Season 1 by Friday night and my neck was permanently in spasm from being a complete potato. I have to say though, it was worth it! Oh BTW the kids were with their dad so don't worry that I forgot to pick them up from school or missed football... They went to the Luke Bryan concert (lucky kiddos have seen him like 5 times and I keep bribing R to slip ol' Lukey Poo my number but she just giggles and says, "oh mom!")

Okay this is the summary from the actual Hell On Wheels website so you know a little bit of what it's about.

Hell on Wheels looks at the institutionalized greed and corruption behind the building of the Transcontinental Railroad as the race between the Central Pacific and Union Pacific intensifies. In Season 5, Cullen Bohannon (Anson Mount) finds himself a stranger in a strange land: Truckee, California. Home to the headquarters of the Central Pacific railroad, this rough mountain railroad town teems with thousands of Chinese workers who are foreign in language, culture and traditions. While grappling with the challenges of corralling his new workforce, Cullen leads the Central Pacific’s herculean effort to tunnel through the Sierra Nevada mountains, sometimes achieving only inches a day in the race to complete America’s first Transcontinental Railroad. 

Obviously I am hooked and love the show or I wouldn't be writing about it. It is now Monday morning and I am on Season 2 episode 5. So that means that Saturday I watched another 5 episodes with a spasming neck and an ever-widening a$$.

I highly recommend it if you are looking for a show! I am not sure I would recommend this oh so popular "binge watching" method as it seems quite destructive!!!! Or maybe just limit yourself to 2 shows a day. Because now I feel like a complete loaf, like I need a chiropractor appt and like I need to make up for the two days that I lost.

Anyway, every time I write "Hell On Wheels" I think about the Pistol Annies song "Hell on Hells" so I'll leave you with the song/video for your enjoyment!

K-Out!

The Devil's Dust

Can we just take a moment to talk about how much I love glitter?????

I mean, what is not to love about glitter???

It's so shiny, and pretty and glittery- because it's GLITTER!!!!!!

Now, can we take a moment to talk about how T hate's glitter just as much as I love it?

This is true! He calls it the Devil's dust. He hates it because it's shiny, pretty, glittery and get's everywhere. Apparently he does not like to take a shower and find shiny glitter in his.... belly button.

I seriously get excited when I find it anywhere.

(I would totally wear these if I wouldn't fall down on my face... and if they were black, and I had somewhere to wear them)


This one time (not at band camp, I was never in band) my friend Five and I spray painted a spider web gold and then threw glitter all over it and made it even more beautiful than it already was... That was after I carefully took a broom and moved Mr. Ginormous Spider (while screaming like a girl, keep in mind, this is the only thing that makes me scream like a little wussy girl) and re-homed him in a plant near by. I couldn't kill him because then of course karma would make sure that I was mauled by 1001 big hairy fanged spiders and nobody wants that! I don't care if they ARE covered in glitter.

But anyway, I don't know why I was thinking about glitter this morning, but I was and just wanted to share my love for it.

I heard Ke$ha likes to cover herself in baby oil and glitter before each of her concerts. Sort of weird. Only because baby oil is super gross!!!!

Off to glitter something... Maybe T's pillow!!! hehehehehe.

Saddest Halloween Story Ever!

Ok, it's totally not really sad if you are prepping yourself for something actually tragic. So I have always loved Halloween! I think it's because it was right after my birthday and maybe because I liked to dress up (some say I am dramatic, I don't know where they get that). But anyway... the sad truth is that I have probably only trick or treated a handful of times in my 21 years of life (hahaha did you catch that? 21!!!) Okay this year I will be 36. Holy cow, I know that isn't really old and age is just a number blah blah blah but I really feel like I was a teenager just yesterday. Maybe it's because I still act like a 12 year old? Probably!!!!

Okay back to my story! Sorry I get side tracked a lot. Like a lot a lot! So by now, if you are even still with me, you are probably wondering why if I love Halloween have I only trick or treated a handful of times in my 36 years of life... Well let me explain.

 I was born in Santa Monica, CA and lived there til I was about 6. I always had these slumber parties for my bday with a group of girls from school and we'd stay up super late (which is so weird to think about because I'd probably only just now start to allow that for R and she's 9), and eat (not lots of sugar because my parents didn't introduce me to sugar until I was seriously like 10 years old) who knows what we ate, and watched Care Bears, and My Little Ponies in our matching sleeping bags. I had a Strawberry Shortcake one (that was about as girly as I got. I had a A-Team lunch box though and it was awesome). The point is that I was usually so worn out from these slumber parties that I would get sick and by Halloween have a fever or a full blown cold and my mom being Mrs. Cleaver, she would make sure that I stayed at home and ate homemade chicken soup, and got plenty of rest. I do have very clear memories of putting on my costumes (that my mom bought patterns for and spent days sewing for me (see told you Mrs. Cleaver! I was much more like my dad!!!)) and standing outside of my very own front door and ringing the doorbell for my parents to give me some sugarless candy for my also homemade goody bag with my name embroidered on it. This went on pretty much all my years in Santa Monica.

Then we moved to the country. Fallbrook CA. Complete opposite of Santa Monica. When we first drove in to "town" there was/and still is a tractor that says, "Fallbrook, Welcome to the Friendly Village". But, if I wasn't sick all my years of living in Fallbrook, we didn't have neighbor's to go visit or trick or treat. I mean we had neighbors but it wasn't really safe to walk down dark country roads to ring one or two doorbells. So for the few years we did manage to trick or treat, our parents would drive us to the one neighborhood by the high school where are the other kids go dumped off. I think I can honestly remember maybe 3 or 4 Halloweens where I was able to trick or treat as a kid. Sad right?!?!?!?

 It's okay, don't feel too bad because now that I have kids, we totally trick or treat. R's first Halloween, she was 3 months old and she had 6 costume changes!!!! I was going to make up for lost time!!! Anyway, that is my sad sad story!!! Picture little Kellee dressed as a ridiculous clown in a costume that her mother made her (that actually kind of freaks me out now and is still in mom's cedar chest (the very cedar chest I cracked my head open on and her mom used masking tape to hold together.. I'll save that story for another day!!!) holding my pumpkin candy basket that my mom also made me standing outside her own front door waiting for her parents to open the door and hand her sugarless gum and candy.

Hahaha I found a pic of that clown costume... See creepy right??? Wah!

Worst Things About Fall = Funniest Sh*t Ever!!!

Ep. 23: The Worst Things Abot Fall

This week on the SEASON 1 FINALE of Whine About It... THE WORST THINGS ABOUT FALL.We'll be back with Season 2 of Whine About It on Oct. 28, but make sure you stay tuned for some special videos in the meantime!

Posted by Matt Bellassai on Wednesday, October 7, 2015

So Apparently I am A SASSHOLE

Yep that is right folks, I am a Sasshole.

My friend, (maybe she doesn't want me to say her name on my blog, she may get famous and then the paparazzi will show up at her house and she won't be able to go to Staters any more without being mobbed by crazed fans...) we'll just call her Schmeth... posted an article on FB called, "41 Signs You're A Sasshole".

I knew automatically that I in fact was a Sasshole!!!! I didn't even need to open the article. I am sassy, I have been told my hole life that I am sassy!!!! Pretty much daily I get called an asshole by someone I live with and I am not going to name names (not K or R). I like to think that he says it in a loving way. In fact, I am 99.9% positive that he finds me asshole-ness endearing.

Anyway, the definition of a Sasshole if you hadn't put it together yet is.... someone who is incredibly sassy, but also a little bit of an asshole.

Here I'll make it easy for all of you to find out if you are a Sasshole. I'll post all 41 signs indicating that you are one and you can check em' off as you go down the list. Please let me know how many you check off, I am interested in how many of my friends are truly jerks like I am.

1. People who don’t know you think you’re a bitch. Generally
2. People who do know you also think you’re a bitch, but a hilarious bitch. Sometimes
3. For you, flirting consists of a series of witty insults (sometimes veiled as compliments). Definitely
4. Absolutely everything that comes out of your mouth is dripping with sarcasm. Always
5. You’re always the one who says the one thing everyone else is thinking but would never say out loud. A lot of the time
6. And yet they still look surprised when you say it out loud. Pretty much
7. You don’t discriminate; you judge everyone. 100% true
8. You’re the kind of girl who hates cuddling and never stays the night. I have grown to like cuddling over the years. Think it was having kids that did it to me. But I can only take so much before I am outta there!
9. Guys love you cause you can keep up with them. Guys usually want to be my friend because I am more like a guy. This causes me problems in life. 
10. Girls hate you because you literally don’t care if you make a fool of yourself and anyone around you. I have been making a fool of myself since 1979
11. Drunk or sober, you’re the life of the party. I wouldn't call myself the life of the party. But I am not a wallflower by any means. 
12. You haven’t had a ton of boyfriends, because you haven’t found someone who can appreciate your crude sense of humor and who gives it right back to you. True and I was married/with the same person for like 16 years
13. You’re known as the “funny” girl, which to you is a million times better than being just another “pretty” girl. I guess? I'd kinda like to be the pretty girl though. 
14. You’re a pro at saying the most hilarious thing at the most inappropriate time. I think they are hilarious... I don't think everyone else does!
15. You think most people are stupid. TRUE
16. And you’ll tell most people they’re stupid. Not always to their face! 
17. When guys actually try and flirt with you, you take it as an opportunity to troll the shit out of them. Uh, I think they are scared to flirt with me. 
18. You’re the one friend who always steals another friend’s phone and texts “So what’s it like living with a micropenis?” to any guy in her recent messages. No, I am afraid of what I'll see on peoples phones. This is the age of sexting ya know! 
19. You accept any and all dares. eh, not really but if someone is going to do something I do feel like I have to do it because I am highly competitive. Think Monica on Friends. 
20. Your confidence cup is constantly overflowing. Yes, I am pretty confident. 
21. Your friends, exes, and even parents are convinced you don’t have feelings. Now this is soooooo true. Except my mom knows my deep dark secret. 
22. You do, though. They’re just hidden under mountains and mountains of attitude. Again, so true!
23. You leave the worst best comments on your friends’ sappy Instagram posts. no, not really
24. You don’t understand what a “filter” is or why everyone insists that you need one. a lot of the time
25. You say “bye” to people’s faces. I don't even know what this means. Why wouldn't you say bye to their face? 
26. And you don’t see the problem with literally dismissing people from your presence. I can easily dismiss people from my life and not look back, I learned that from my dad. 
27. “Sorry not sorry” should be a permanent sign on your forehead. hahah yes
28. Your entire life should come with a NSFW warning. nah
29. You’ve been told multiple times that you deserve to have your own TV show. yes actually
30. You aren’t afraid to put anyone on blast. if they deserve it!
31. Not only are you not afraid, you actually enjoy it. again, if they deserve it!
32. You call everyone a bitch. Or an ass. Or both. I have my own words! and you can't have them!
33. Sometimes you wonder how you still have friends. all the time!
34. Then you remember that they’re the only ones who understand your humor. yes
35. When people say you’re being rude, you just say you’re being honest. I can kind of keep a handle on this
36. You don’t sugarcoat anything. I am not going to lie. 
37. You have your read receipts on so people know when you’re ignoring them. Nope
38. You’ve been known to throw up a middle finger in pictures. that's so like 10 years ago. I am classy now. I just continue to make dumb faces!  
39. You never “throw shade,” you just say it to their face. The term "throwing shade" is stupid so I am not going to even respond.  
40. There’s a fine line between being sassy and being an asshole, and you cross it daily. All day errrrday!
41. When your friend sends this list to you, you take it as a compliment. Hahaha depends on who sends it to me.